You see, I had the best summer a girl could ask for: living in Austin, being around dear friends and family, and interning in the youth group at my church. And while being in Austin with people I love was marvelous, it was the interning thing that kind of made me lose my mind last Monday.
My former major, Secondary English Education, is a fantastic one. No doubt. Yet all summer I had been feeling unsettled about interning in a school my senior year.. almost dreaded it. Your senior year of college shouldn't be approached with dread, right? That's the first thought that lead me to pondering a major change from education to English.
Don't be fooled by that "pondering" though, because what began as a slight "pondering" soon turned into an evil, all consuming worry and anxiety as the possibility of a major change became real. I cannot recall a time in my life when I have been more stressed than I was that weekend. I think I'd already blocked this out, but my mom recently reminded me that I told her I felt physically ill during those two days. Also, I cried. I NEVER cry. But I sure did that weekend. A lot. I cried in my room. In the car. On the phone. In the advisor's office. In my kitchen. On campus. In my car again. It was hideous. I was a wreck.
Well, fast-forward to Monday afternoon (post crying, stress attacks, and millions of conversations with my parents and advisors). Now I find myself in my room confiding in my dear friend and roommate, Laura.
She came in, sat on the ground, and just asked me what I was feeling. In a moment of rare clarity, I was able to press out a sentiment that I'd been seeking to find all weekend: "Laura, I would rather work at a church than at a school. Yes. Anywhere I am, any state or city, I would rather look for a job in a church. I like teaching English, but I love working at the church."
After that moment I knew I was done trying to figure out what to do. I was able to confidently speak my heart, and that was the deciding factor. So, I breathed the biggest sign of peace and followed through with my crazy. I disappointed a lot of fellow education majors and advisors, and officially became an English major... the first day of my senior year of college.
And I've never felt so free
I went from fear and confusion to freedom and peace. In all those days of stress, thought, prayer, and crying, I kept hearing from God to simply trust Him and to not be afraid. But I was so confused because I didn't know what to trust him with: To trust him with my fear of interning at the school and stay in the practical major? Or to trust him in this desire to change my major and follow through with the crazy idea?
Turns out God wanted me to trust him with the crazy. And the moment I did, I felt genuine peace. It was a hard, ugly process of getting over my fear, but I am still reaping the results. Apparently, following God doesn't always come with the assurance of a good road map. Sometimes you may have to jump out there to find where He's leading you. But once you jump, you land in the peace and joy of knowing that your times are in his hands and He knows plans He has for you.
